Shots Fired
by Nikki1212
Summary: In which Sakura just wants to be a normal college girl for once and party while Kakashi is trying to save a botched assassination..and failing miserably. Or, the time Kakashi realizes that he should have retired a long time ago. ModernAU
1. Hamsters

**Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.**

 ** _A/N:_** _Hey guys! This story is currently under revision, but the changes aren't too obvious. I've just been correcting some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there, but also adding a few things to make it flow better._

 ** _Revised:_** _March 3, 2017._

.

.

* * *

Kakashi liked to think that he was a relatively simple man. He had a cute little pug named Pakkun, he worked a normal job as a financial consultant, and he occasionally liked to indulge in a few beers with his friends during Sunday football.

But as he pushed through a screaming crowd while simultaneously incapacitating burly thugs, Kakashi reflected that perhaps his life as a financial consultant by day and assassin by night wasn't as simple as he'd like it to be.

Because, _really_ , whoever thought that assigning such a high class mission to the agency's most dysfunctional partners—who, mind you, had _just_ come off of probation—must have been on drugs and should be _fired_. Said dysfunctional partners were currently throwing insults at each other as they broke necks and jaws, and Kakashi sighed because _he_ had been the one to _teach_ these two idiots.

It wasn't that Naruto and Sasuke were awful at their obscure job—oh no, they were actually _great_ —it was just...they managed to botch most missions they came across simply because they couldn't refrain from partaking in their weird form of foreplay where they insulted and beat the shit out of each other.

One would think that these two grown men of twenty-three years would have some amount of maturity and set their differences aside for the sake of the mission, but whoever thought _that_ had quite obviously never met the obnoxious Uzumaki and surly Uchiha. And although they had a grand success rate in getting the job done, their failures were almost always due to the way they went about completing their assigned task.

"Road bumps," Naruto liked to say.

"It was the dumbass's fault," was Sasuke's unchanging response.

In fact, Kakashi had walked into the debrief room on multiple occasions to see both men either charred, bloody, or covered in _something_ completely unrelated to their mission's objective. Despite this, he noted (with the type of gratitude that comes from not having one's image tarnished) that they were competent enough—all prior mishaps aside—to get the job done without needing reinforcements for damage control.

Until now, that is.

Kakashi grit his teeth as he ducked under a heavy fist before delivering a round house kick to the offender's head. It was supposed to be a simple assassination, a "get in, get out" type of thing, and their boss made sure to stress that it was important that they don't draw attention to themselves or else cause a national crisis.

But of course, _of course_ , things could never be simple with those two.

Somehow, some _way_ , they had been noticed and Kakashi had been called in by a frantic mission coordinator requesting (Code Black emergency, he said) that he make his way to a popular night club smack in the middle of downtown Konoha. He wasn't given many details, but he figured he should have been surprised at the utter chaos that greeted him when he arrived, except, if he were honest, he only felt highly exasperated. Because of _all_ people to fuck up this badly, it _had_ to be Naruto and Sasuke. Of _all_ the people that could have enacted the _only_ Code Black in the Agency's history, they just _had_ to be the only students he had ever taken in his long career.

When he made his way into the grand building, he found himself dodging stray bullets and shoving frantic club goers heading for the exits. His unruly shock of silver bobbed over the crowd as he searched for his two idiot subordinates and it took him only a moment to find them crouched behind a pillar.

All he really had to do was listen for the shouts of _"Bastard!"_ And _"Shut the fuck up, Deadlast!"_ over the sound of the music.

Kakashi pulled his pistol from its holster covered by his black jacket and shot at enemy shooters while he made his way towards the pair, careful to avoid hitting an innocent person. He lunged at the pillar beside the duo, and was greeted by a loud shout of, "Kakashi-sensei!" from Naruto whereas Sasuke merely grunted and focused on aiming and shooting from behind cover.

"What the fuck happened." Kakashi ground out and then Naruto hurriedly, and bashfully, filled him in.

Naruto's story telling theatrics were ignored in favor of pulling out key details from his exaggerated recounting of events. According to him, he and Sasuke had found their target without complication and everything was set to carry out the assassination swiftly and silently. The target had been lounging in a private pool while his guards stood outside, and both assassins had snuck in and hid behind a large column that gave them an unrestricted view of the portly man.

The plan was that Naruto would pose as a server and hand the target a poisoned drink, wherein said target would then drink the substance and they would watch as it took effect a few minutes later to confirm his death. It would look as though he had died from a heart attack and it would have been untraceable, therefore the agency would not have been linked to the crime.

It was a good plan...except they hadn't considered the unknown factors that had presented themselves.

Like how the target kept denying the drink and became suspicious when Naruto insisted he take it, or how the target _kept sending the drink back just because_ , or how, for some reason, the target liked to bring his pet _hamster_ everywhere.

To Kakashi, as he listened on incredulously, it all sounded like something out of a horribly cliché B-list movie because _somehow_ the hamster had escaped the cage and had crawled up Naruto's pants leg.

Naruto's face twisted painfully as he told Kakashi that it had also crawled into his boxers, and he had startled so bad he accidentally dropped the drink—which had also contained the _last_ bit of poison—on their target who then grew angry and sent him away for good.

Heedless of the gunshots chipping away at the limestone of the pillar protecting them, Naruto scrubbed his face and recounted how he and Sasuke had resorted to Plan B after rendezvousing behind the column once more.

Except the hamster had _still_ been in his boxers and he couldn't remove it without drawing attention to their location. Naruto implored Kakashi to believe him when he said he _had_ tried to ignore it and remain still as Sasuke screwed on the silencer to his pistol and took aim.

But then it took a bite out of his junk and it was a downward spiral from there.

Naruto screeched and Sasuke flinched and missed the shot.

Kakashi resisted the urge to bash his head repeatedly against the pillar because _they missed the fucking shot_ and in doing so alerted security, which then caused a firefight and mayhem and the target got away and _oh God, they didn't pay him enough for this shit.  
_  
They tried to chase their target, but he was surprisingly nimble for a hefty man, and they lost him in the gyrating bodies on the dance floor. And then shots rang out and they were forced to react and then it was simply chaos—and that was when Kakashi found them. They had been behind the pillar for a while returning fire, until Kakashi saw their target—clad in only a towel—shove his way towards the exit.

And that's how he currently found himself punching, jabbing, shooting, and stabbing his way through thugs only to see the objective through by providing a distraction. Kakashi winced as a woman screamed in his ear at an unholy decibel as he stabbed a man through the eye, and he accepted, miserably, that no amount of damage control could fix this mess.

Naruto and Sasuke's voices faded as they chased the target and Kakashi was left behind to take out the increasing number of sketchy security. But fighting in a terrified shoving mass was proving to be a lot harder than he thought it would. Another woman screamed in his ear and he was forced to shove her away before she caused permanent damage.

Unfortunately, his momentary distraction gave his enemy an opening, and Kakashi didn't realize it until he felt a searing pain in his side that took his breath away. He stumbled backwards and clutched at the bullet's entry wound to stem the bleeding. A humorless laugh fell from his lips because it was _just his luck_ that the bullet had gone through the _one_ part of his body that wasn't protected by his armored vest.

His steely bicolored eyes flicked over to the club's second floor where more men were starting to gather and he conceded that this was a lost cause and he had to find a way out of there before he was overrun and killed. There was a moment of stillness as he drew in a deep breath and ignored the throbbing in his side in favor of scanning the area. His eyes landed on a storage closet that was partially obscured by a large plant and he knew that he had to find his way there until the commotion died down so that he could later escape.

Straightening, Kakashi loaded another magazine into his pistol as his shoulders deflated with released tension. Barring one disastrous mission when he'd been young, he'd never failed his objective; and if the mission coordinator and his boss wanted this fixed, then that's what he'd do. They wouldn't send in the big guns—one of their own living legends—if it weren't important, but that didn't mean he had to die doing it.

Besides, it was steak night and Pakkun had been looking forward to it all week, so who was Kakashi to disappoint him?

The closest thug to him swung out with his arm as he sprang into action, and it made an audible snap when Kakashi broke it before he shot him twice in the chest. He spun on his heel and put two more rounds into another man's chest before he was grabbed from behind. He dropped his weight, but the burly man fell with him with Kakashi's wrists in his grasp. He brought his knee into the man's groin—an underhanded tactic, he knew—and then grabbed his beard as he fell to slam his head into the ground. His heart pounded in his chest as he shot the man in the head and then rolled away to avoid the onslaught of bullets that came at him from behind.

However, Kakashi was pleased to note that he was getting closer and closer to the storage closet and security was lowering in numbers. He took a moment to catch his breath from behind another column, knowing that there was a man on the other side. The bass of the music had not subsided, and he felt it thrum under his booted feet.

Speaking of feet, he rose a silver eyebrow at the booted toe that peeked out from the other side of the column and shot it, almost as if it were an afterthought. A man screeched and for a second Kakashi was afraid he'd shot an innocent civilian, but then a pistol peeked from behind the corner so he shot the bleeding foot again and then the man's head when he fell to his knees.

He took this opportunity to barge into the storage closet, locking the door with bloody hands and then sliding down it with a pained wince. His head leaned against the door tiredly, and he raked a hand through his unruly mop of hair, marring the silver color with streaks of red.

He hoped Naruto and Sasuke had been able to take out their target so that he could go home, make those steaks, and then watch the film adaptation of his favorite book. If they hadn't, then that meant he would have to take over the mission and find the target himself and he _really_ didn't want to do that. His eyes shut as he forced himself to calm his heart rate in hopes that the blood flowing from his wound would ebb.

"Don't move, or I'll spray you!"

His eyes snapped open in cursed surprise at the shrill voice to see a mere slip of a woman with _pink hair_ aiming a can of Mace at his face with shaking hands.

He nearly groaned out loud _; he was getting too old for this shit._

.

.

 _tbc_

* * *

 **Two Cents:** The frantic mission coordinator's Code Black is an ode to Lt. Col Jeff Cooper's Color Code! Lt. Col Cooper was recognized as the father of the modern technique of handgun shooting, but he surmised that the most lethal tool in surviving a confrontation was not the weapon, but the combat mindset. He devised a sliding scale of mental readiness by designating levels of awareness and psychological fortitude to 4 different colors:

White: Relaxed, unaware and unprepared. (Oblivious)

Yellow: Relaxed state of alert. (Alert)

Orange: Heightened, specific state of alert. (Aware)

Red: Fight or Flight. (Engaged)

Though not an original part of Lt. Col Cooper's Color Code, the USMC later added Condition Black: Catastrophic breakdown of mental and physical performance.

By enabling a Code Black, Naruto and Sasuke are, literally, the worst.


	2. Liquid Courage

**Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.**

 _ **A/N:** Wow, this chapter had a lot of errors. I found that I had changed tense midway through and I HAD to fix it. How embarrassing lol. _

_**Revised:** March 3, 2017_

.

.

* * *

There were many times in Sakura's life where she had thrown caution to the wind with a grand ol' _fuck it_ and did things that were not wholly beneficial to her growth as a person.

It still didn't detract from the fact that most of these things were incredibly _fun,_ though.

Accompanying her best friend Ino to an unbelievably popular night club had been one of these moments, as they always were. The blonde bombshell had barged into her apartment—using Sakura's well-hidden spare key, of course—and had declared with a flourish that they had the _perfect_ cause to celebrate. When Sakura simply stared at her, dumbfounded, Ino had flicked her bangs out of her face with a sigh.

"You're about to graduate medical school, Forehead." she said slowly, "As a _prodigy!"_

Sakura rolled her eyes but couldn't help the large smile that split her face. Ino was always looking for an excuse to party, and though Sakura was tired from her last few exams, her upcoming graduation _was_ something worth celebrating. Therefore, she mustered up plenty of enthusiasm as Ino turned on some generic, up-beat pop song before rummaging through her closet and accessories.

A few hours later they had pulled up to a high class night club that Ino had _somehow_ gotten wristbands for and Sakura struggled to contain her awe and excitement upon entering. She supposed there was a reason why it was so difficult to obtain access to such a private venue, and it was made all the more obvious in the way the place was decorated and built. The loud music pulsed in her chest as her eyes greedily soaked in the sight of dancing bodies, strobe lights, and glimmering chandeliers. She only ripped her eyes away from the scene when Ino pulled her through the grinding mass by their joined hands to stop at the bar where they were given complimentary shots.

Ino raised her glass with a beaming grin and shouted over the music, "To Dr. Haruno!"

Sakura had laughed to cover her embarrassment and raised her shot as well.

"To Dr. Haruno!" she repeated and both women happily tossed their drinks back. She had just finished placing her empty shot glass back on the bar counter when Ino grabbed her hand once more and pulled her onto the dance floor to start bouncing and dancing to the music.

Ino's zeal was infectious and Sakura soon found herself dancing along, drinking, and having an overall good time. At some point during the night—they must have been there for _hours_ , she didn't know—Ino had approached her with a handsome man on her arm to tell her that she was leaving for obvious reasons, and handed Sakura a one-way taxi card for when she wanted to go home. Ino had seemed reluctant to leave her in such a place by herself, but Sakura had smiled easily and encouraged her with a sly wink to go and have her fun.

After Ino had left, Sakura was left to her own devices and she spent most of her time alternating between getting drinks from the bar and dancing with strangers for the next hour.

And then a grossly overweight man draped in only a _towel_ was shoving her to the ground and Sakura had watched in hazy irritation as he pushed through more people who were too drunk to notice.

That was before gunfire rang out and the entire club erupted into a frenzy.

Sakura had quickly picked herself off the sticky floor lest she get trampled, but was jostled and shoved by terrified club goers trying to escape. She had been scared out of her wits, her palms sweaty, and breaths coming in rapid pants. Her bottle green eyes flicked over towards the fire escapes and entrances only to see that they were crowded by panicked masses and inaccessible.

Wincing when a cacophony of shots sounded above the music, she pivoted on her heel and hurriedly pushed her way through people to find another exit. Dismay had filled her heart when she noticed that there was nowhere else to go, but then her eyes landed on a storage closet and the amount of relief she felt at the sight was nearly on par with the amount of adrenaline coursing through her veins.

She had run towards it and slipped in silently, hoping and praying that no one had seen her enter, and then she sat her pretty little butt down in the corner of the surprisingly large storage room and fished out her trusty can of Mace from her purse and waited until everything quieted down.

Now, in hindsight, Sakura cursed herself for not _locking_ the door to the damned supply closet; because if she _had_ locked it, then perhaps she currently wouldn't be threatening a terrifying stranger with her gently-used can of Mace.

Said stranger was looking at her steadily as though she were as threatening as a kitten, and Sakura grit her teeth at the unspoken insult. She knew that she wasn't the most _intimidating_ person out there, with her short petite stature and all, but her temper was _legendary_ _among her peers_ _._ And this man would become intimately familiar with it if he didn't stop looking at her like he was trying to convince her not to eat cookies before dinner.

She opened her mouth to demand he kick his gun towards her (she knew he had more _somewhere_ on his person, so he wouldn't miss it anyway) when the door to the supply closet was suddenly kicked open and a man was barging in with a snarl and a gun pointed at her face. Sakura stumbled back with pitiful screech, her back hitting the cold wall, and her shaking hands—devoid of her lovely Mace because she dropped it into her lap in surprise like an idiot—raised in the universal sign for mercy and innocence.

The man paused and then lowered his gun; he placed it into his struggling waist band as his eyes roved over her body lecherously and the nausea that churned in her gut melded with her fear to make an awful cocktail of misery. He took a step toward her with clear intentions and she curled into herself, hoping that her long hair would hide the slow movement of her hands.

But before they could find their objective, the previously unnoticed stranger sprang from the shadows and hooked his arm around the bigger man's neck. The man struggled for a moment before tossing the silver haired man over his shoulder and he landed on his back with a grunt. Then he was on his feet, stepping to the left as the man lunged for him. The silver haired man then charged and the larger man threw up his forearms on the defensive, but he slipped to the side, pushed the man's elbow down and away, caught his head, and rolled him into the floor. But the larger man was undeterred and, for some reason Sakura didn't quite know, the silver haired man stumbled and leaned against the wall for a moment with labored breath.

She couldn't suppress the gasp that spilled from her lips as the man pulled his gun from where he had placed it in his waistband even as he pushed passed some stacked chairs. But the silver haired man did not seem intimidated by the gun aimed at his face; in fact, he rolled his hand under the man's wrist, drove the man's arm over and back, and pulled him backward and down. He had the gun in his own hand before the larger man slammed into the floor, and he hit him on the forehead with it two hard times and rendered him unconscious.

The man shut the door to the storage closet and there was a stunned silence in the aftermath; the only sound that filled the room was the man's harsh panting. Coming back to herself, Sakura grimaced at the blood flowing from the unconscious man's head before her attention was caught by the silver haired man who was bracing himself against the wall with shuddering breaths. Her eyes narrowed at the crimson dripping from his gloved hands, and she sucked in a sharp breath through her nose.

He was injured, and badly at that! She bit her lip as her conscience fought with her survival instincts. She wanted to bolt towards the door and pretend the whole fiasco didn't happen (as if she could ever forget the night she was almost _raped and died_ ), but her _stupid_ compassionate heart wanted to give him medical aid. Sakura sighed and resigned herself to her fate, because deep down she knew that even if she _had_ left, she would have pondered over his well-being for the next month or two.

Ino would most definitely kill her for what she was about to do.

Sakura cleared her throat awkwardly in an attempt to gain his attention, and the man struck her with the weight of his bi-colored stare. She supposed it was the shock and the alcohol speaking, but she was instantly intrigued by the medical possibility of having an eye with a grey iris and then the other with a _red_. But curious medical observations aside, she was surprised at the air of utter _nonchalance_ that surrounded him even as he probably bled to death in front of her.

Sakura suddenly felt shy with some measure of apprehension; what _could_ she say to someone clearly dangerous who saved her virtue? Well…what was left of it, anyway.

She bit her lip as he continued to look at her expectantly, and she had the distant thought that the entire series of events occurred in under five minutes like some type of action movie. But time was of the essence if she wanted to help him, so she settled for what came to mind:

"Um…"

He rose a silvery eyebrow at her clear eloquence and she nearly crumpled in mortification. Of all things to say!

"I-I mean, uh…" At this point he was blatantly staring at her with both eyebrows raised and Sakura wanted to crawl under a rock.

"You're bleeding." she squeaked and her hands trembled as she reached out for him, but he stepped away from her and she heard the warning cocking of his gun.

Sakura felt her famous temper rear its ugly head at the sound and she clenched her jaw. Was this man _stupid?_ What was the point of saving her if he was just going to shoot her, too? It was a waste of time if she ever did see one!

Years later, when Sakura told her unbelieving friends about this night, she would attribute her misplaced temper that followed to how _done_ she was with the whole fiasco.

She didn't realize that she had been speaking out loud until he began to speak. Startled green eyes sought his face in the dim lighting and narrowed at his hooded stare.

"I don't want you touching me, strange person." He said lowly, as though he were discussing the weather and Sakura could only blink in the face of such apathy.

"Okay, sir, I understand that I'm a stranger," she said slowly, indulgently, "But I'm graduating medical school soon and you're _bleeding!_ "

The silver haired man rose a perfect, sleek eyebrow (which wasn't fair because she would bet serious money that he had never tweezed them before in his _life_ ) and a sound fell from his lips that might've been a chuckle had he not had a mask obscuring his face.

"And why does that matter to you, soon-to-be-med-school-graduate?" He asked flippantly and she nearly pulled at her hair in frustration.

"Be-because you _saved me_ and you need to stop the bleeding," each word was punctuated with a wild gesture that made her accept that she was borderline hysterical but she was too concerned and stressed out to care, "And you should just let me help you like you helped me or-or who _knows what will happen to you?"_

"O-kay," he drawled, "And how do you intend to help me?"

Sakura blanched at that because, really, how _was_ she supposed to help him? She didn't have any medical supplies at her disposal and it didn't seem like he did either. The look he gave her as he watched the realization cross her face was somberly triumphant, like he accepted that she couldn't do anything for him.

But Sakura was nothing if not tenacious and determined; so, with a huff, she turned around and started rifling through her purse. She had lots of things in there: makeup, a cell phone, cash, hand sanitizer, a flask full of vodka at Ino's behest, and feminine products. Pausing at the feminine products, Sakura rubbed the sterilized wrapper in thought before a small grin appeared on her face. Grabbing her purse, she quickly made her way towards the man who was now sitting on the floor clutching a hand to his wound. He must have removed his armored vest while she was looking through her things as it was now set on the floor to his left.

He eyed her warily, and she tried not to feel unnerved by his eerie stare. They followed her hand's movement as she pulled out an _Ultra!_ Tampon, a pack of wet wipes, her flask, a bottle of Motrin, and an opened pack of nipple adhesives. She set them beside her and the man looked at her curiously.

"Lift up your shirt," she ordered clinically, already set in what she liked to call her 'medic mode.'

When he didn't immediately comply to her request, the pink haired woman growled and yanked the shirt up herself. She ignored his hiss of pain and examined the slowly weeping wound. Her eyes flicked over to her supplies and her lips thinned grimly; she hoped they would work.

Pulling out a damp sheet from the pack of wet wipes, she set about wiping away the blood from his pale skin and smooth abdominal muscles—and _wow_ what a set of muscles _those_ were. His eyes followed her silently as she reached for the flask, only grunting when she warned him that disinfecting the wound would sting _a lot_ , and she hid a smirk under the curtain of her hair when he hissed as it washed away bacteria and the like.

Serves him right for trying to be a super, badass manly man!

He was mostly mute as she worked, and Sakura tried very hard to ignore the weight of his gaze on the crown of her head. Normally she would cherish silence when she was doing something particularly engaging, but under such a tense and bizarre situation, Sakura wished she at least had Ino's idle chatter to fill the void.

Chewing her lip as she kept examining his wound under the bright LED light of her cell phone, Sakura glanced at his face from under her lashes, saw how she held his attention, and tried to fill the awkward silence.

"So, um, I take you're some hitman or something?" She remarked casually, focusing intently on his wound and missing his sharp glance.

Her question was met with silence and she sighed; _oh right,_ how could she forget that this guy sucked at conversation more than a hooker on Two Dollar Tuesdays? Also, how drunk was _she_ to blatantly ask if he were an _assassin._ Balls, thy name is Grey Goose.

Ignoring the fact that he ignored _her_ , she poked around the angry puckered skin of the bullet's entry wound for a few more moments and frowned. "It looks like the bullet is still in there, I can't get it out right now."

The silver haired man grunted in response and she gave him a particularly hard poke for his lack of participation. He flinched away from her hands and she tsk'd at him as she reached for the tampon next to her leg. She unwrapped it and moved towards the entry wound when he scrambled away from her with wide eyes.

"What are you doing?" He asked dubiously, eyes repeatedly flicking from the tampon in her hand to her face.

"I'm going to stop the bleeding," she replied blandly, green eyes holding his own steadily, "With this."

She held up the tampon, and he shook his head furiously at the blunted end of the purple tube.

"With _that_ you're not," his tone held no room for argument even as he edged away from her as if she held a disease. She tried not to feel affronted; she was _clean, thank you very much._

Growling low in her throat, Sakura stopped his movement by grabbing his arm and cuffed him upside the head in agitation. He gaped at her audacity and she took the opportunity to plunge the tampon into the bullet wound. He yelped at the unexpected pain and she nodded to herself in satisfaction when it expanded as it absorbed his blood until it stopped flowing all together. He stared at it incredulously and he whimpered (she almost snorted at that) when she gently kept it in place with a small pantiliner and a flower shaped nipple adhesive.

 _Oh woe to his masculinity!_

"Did you really just shove a _tampon_ into my bullet wound, woman?!" He cried as his wide eyes took in the contrasting tan color of the adhesive and his pale skin.

Sakura rolled her eyes as she carefully disinfected her hands with the rest of the vodka from her flask. Picking up the small bottle of Motrin, she spilled two small orange pills onto her hand and thrusted them at him.

"Here," she began, even as he continued to stare at her like she ate his first born or something, "take these—it'll help with the pain for a little bit."

When he didn't move to take the pills from her, Sakura grit her teeth and roughly grabbed his gloved hand and pried his fingers open to place them on his palm. He yanked it back with narrowed eyes and rolled the two tablets between his fingers before tossing them into the darkness of the storage closet.

Sakura swallowed the indignant shout of _"Hey!"_ that bubbled up in her throat when he set his strangely beautiful eyes on her face. Swallowing nervously, she leaned away from him and shakily began to gather her things.

She cursed herself for forgetting that the man before her was a stranger and also extremely dangerous—the unconscious man lying a few feet away from her would be inclined to agree with that observation were he awake. Her heart pounded in her chest as she lifted her beryl eyes to quickly glance his way and she nearly jumped when she saw that he had not moved from his position of wary scrutiny.

Her mind racing with thoughts of peril, she averted her eyes as she slowly grabbed her cell phone from the floor. Carefully holding it at an angle that would illuminate his entire person so that she could see his hands (and what it was doing with that gun of his), Sakura bit her lip at the ominous shadows the light casted over his face. Her good deed was done; it was time for her to go.

"So, um, stranger," she cursed the way her voice shook, "but ah—"

"What is your name?"

His smooth voice startled her out of her terrified stupor enough to make her drop her phone. It fell with a clang and the room was enshrouded in darkness once more.

" _Shit_ ," she hissed and began fumbling around for the smooth cover. A voice in the back of her mind dismayed that her phone screen was most definitely broken after a fall like that.

Her fumbling was cut short when she found the room alight once more and the strange man placing her phone down to light the space between them. Freezing at the way he nonchalantly brought his hand back to rest on the pistol on his lap, Sakura fought to control the panic worming its way into her heart.

 _I am_ _calm,_ she recited to herself, _I am the gentle river. I am a koi fish in a pond. I will not hyperventilate or cry. I will answer his questions and then leave._

"What is your name?" He patiently asked again, his voice unnaturally calm for someone who must be in incredible pain.

"S-Sakura, sir."

If Sakura could turn back time and tell Ino that she had explosive diarrhea today and therefore couldn't accompany her to the club, she would.

"Well, Sakura," her name fell like chocolate from his lips, and even though she was so scared she'd piss herself were she a lesser person, Sakura could acknowledge that he had a pleasantly deep voice, "My name is Kakashi."

Her pink head bobbed in that way that said _of course it is_ , and her lips curled in a tremulous smile as she stood on shaky legs.

"Great! Nice to meet you, Kakashi, sir, um," she stumbled over her words as her body inched towards the door, "just remember to remove that bullet as soon as possible a-and clean your wound and you'll be okay. It-it seems like everything's quieted down out there, and yo-you don't need my help anymore, right?! _So_ I'm just gonna go and pretend this never happened. Okay, bye!"

The last few words came out in a rush as she lunged for the door, but she found herself blocked by the very tall silver haired man. Sakura squeaked as she bumped her forehead into his broad chest and she scrambled to put space between them.

Kakashi held his hands in front of him in a non-threatening manner, before shoving them into his pockets. She noticed with a small ounce of dismay that if she were to go by the slight tension in his shoulders, he had no intention of moving any time soon.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Sakura," he said pleasantly and Sakura's heart dropped to her feet in a way that almost made her sick.

"Why not?" She whined, her voice sounding pathetic even to her own ears.

Moving away from the door and nodding at the light shining into the room from under it, Kakashi ordered lowly, "Watch."

Sakura set aside her terror and focused on the slip of light. If she could focus on something besides that gut churning fear, then she would be okay. The bass from the still playing music thrummed under her heeled feet in tandem with her heart beat, and her brow furrowed in concentration. After a few moments of nothing happening, Sakura chanced a look at Kakashi who was still focused intently on the beam of purple light. She didn't know what to look for; in fact, all of this staring was only proving that the club had been emptied and they could leave the closet!

She opened her mouth to say as much when a sudden shadow flitted in front of the door and disrupted the flow of light into the closet. As she watched, the words died in her throat as she heard the worrying sound of shoes shuffling on the other side and saw more shadows skimming in front of the door.

"You see," Kakashi started gravely, and her head whipped to watch as he began calmly loading his gun and checking his magazines, "if you leave, you'll be shot. They've been gathering outside that door for the last five minutes."

 _"What,"_ she breathed, eyes widening as they stared at the now still purple light, "B-but how did they know we were in here?"

Kakashi shrugged before picking his armored vest from the ground and walking towards her, "Your guess is as good as mine."

She flinched away from him when he came to a stop in front of her, eyeing the armored vest and then his masked face warily. Licking her lips nervously, she pointed at the dark vest draped over his arm, "What are you doing with that?"

"Put it on," he ordered and Sakura blanched.

"What."

Kakashi sighed, as if she were doing him such a disservice, and held the vest out to her, "Put it on."

Sakura's eyes widened in realization and she shook her head, "No! I want no part in this mess!"

There was a pregnant silence for a few moments before Sakura tried again, "You can just leave me in here! They won't even know I'm here after you leave! I-I mean, they'll be distracted by you anyway, so just…I can stay in here and then go home…"

Her sentence ended weakly when she saw the flat stare Kakashi was sending her way. Exhaling and raking a hand through her hair, Sakura asked dismally, "Why can't we do that?"

Kakashi's surprisingly gentle when he slips the vest over her pouting head, and he was strapping the Velcro on the vest as tight as it goes when he finally answered in a low voice, "Because, they will search the closet, and finding you, will question you about my whereabouts until you are dead. And if you are not dead, they will make sure you wish you were."

Sakura frowned, her eyes clenching shut as tears welled in her eyes. _This was just her luck._ She only wanted to have a good night full of celebratory fun, get raging drunk and maybe have a one night stand with a handsome fellow, but instead she found herself in a situation where the prospect of tomorrow was uncertain.

A voice that sounded suspiciously like Ino whispered that her night has actually just gotten more exciting. So _suck it up, Forehead!_

Sakura was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of a cocking gun and her eyes found Kakashi in the dimness of the closet. She watched the steady movement of his hands as he pulled knives from his boots and checked the amount of rounds he had left. Awkwardly shifting her weight, Sakura wrung her hands anxiously as he tightened his gloves and pulled a hood over his shock of silver hair.

"How many are out there?" she asked softly, and Kakashi shrugged in response.

"I don't know, ten," he replied distractedly, his eyes scanning the room, "Maybe more."

The blood drained from Sakura's face and she felt faint.

" _Ten?!"_ She yelped, her hands coming to pull at her hair in dismay, "How are you going to get passed ten guys?!"

But Kakashi was already walking towards a corner of the closet where there were stacked chairs and a tall stand full of cleaning supplies. Sakura followed after him, the click of her heels drowned by the blood rushing in her ears.

"Aw," Kakashi cooed and there's a smile in his voice as he glances back at her, "Are you worried about little old me?"

Sakura's jaw slackened at his teasing; _this was not the time to be cute!_ Of course she's worried! He's her ticket out of there! Clenching her jaw, Sakura opted to stare at him dryly in response. Coughing into his fist, Kakashi resumed his perusal of the objects in front of them.

"This will do," he mumbled softly and then straightened from where he was bent over examining the back of the tall stand to turn to her.

"I want you to hide in here," he said and gestured behind the tall stand of cleaning supplies, "Don't come out until I call your name, and try to keep quiet."

Sakura could only nod mutely as she settled down in the corner, her heart pounding and palms sweaty. She watched through gaps in the metal stand as he picks up her things—making it look like she was never even there, and Sakura has the distant thought that he must be very good at his job—and then quietly hands them to her. He was already turning away from her when Sakura swallowed the terror in her throat long enough to speak.

"You won't forget about me, right?" She asked softly. For all of her strength, and her ability to kick death in the face, Sakura was still awfully and irrevocably terrified of the thought of dying. Kakashi paused mid step before turning towards her to crouch in front of her until they were at eye level.

Taking her hand in his, he smiled at her with his strange eyes in a way that was oddly comforting, "I'll be back for you. I won't leave you behind."

She believes him.

Which is, honestly, _insane._

And then he's walking towards the door and Sakura held her breath as he pulled a gun from his pocket. Kakashi inhaled deeply, shaking out the tension from his shoulders, and everything was a blur of movement after that.

Sakura only has the courage to watch him kick open the door forcefully before shutting her eyes as the piercing sound of gunshots filled her ears. Her mind supplied that _this_ was _nothing_ like the video games her cousin played and a whole lot scarier.

Gun shots and shouts echoed throughout the room for what seems like an eternity but in reality only lasts ten minutes before she heard the strong shout of, _"Sakura!"_

Scrambling to her feet, Sakura grabbed her bag and ran towards the door when her ankle was suddenly grabbed from behind. She fell with a cry, pink hair whipping at her face as she turned to see the unconscious man from earlier grasping tightly onto her slim ankle. He was groaning, and _boy_ did he look pissed off. His eyes were bloodshot, and there was a nasty bruise blooming across his face courtesy of Kakashi.

His hands flexed as they dragged her towards him, and she screamed in terror. God, this all seemed like some horribly cliché movie where the girl falls and dies; but Sakura can't accept being that girl, so she screamed for Kakashi and started kicking at the guy's face with her heeled boot until his hand slackened. She kicked him one more time for good measure and then suddenly she was being pulled away from behind. She flailed in the unknown person's arms until it registered that her impromptu companion was the one holding her.

Her heart beating like the frantic flutter of a hummingbird's wings, Sakura shut her eyes as loud gunshots pierced her delicate eardrums before Kakashi let her go. He was already walking towards the open door when she deemed it safe enough to open her eyes and she followed quickly behind him, careful not to look back or lose sight of him. The loud sound of a dance song assaulted her ears and, for a moment, everything felt surreal to her, as if the music were providing a soundtrack to the current events in her life. Wide, gumdrop eyes took in the shattered windows and mirrors, the once beautiful pillars chipped away and riddled by bullet holes, and the collapsed chandeliers.

That stupid voice in the back of her head wondered who was going to pay for all of the damages, and she couldn't help but grimace.

She took a step towards where she saw Kakashi leaning against a wall and peeking around the corner, but her foot caught on something heavy and she tripped. That's when she noticed the bodies.

" _Oh my god,"_ she whimpered and bile rose in her throat. She was standing in a pool of blood and there were _so many_ bodies that she might have to step over them—or, disgustingly enough, on _top_ of them—to get to where her silver haired companion was. He said ten! There were _at least_ fifteen corpses laying in various states of trauma all around her!

Dangerously close to hyperventilating, Sakura decided that it was best if she got herself far, far away from there lest she get incriminated when the police show up. Or she passes out, whichever comes first. Her back hit the wall next to Kakashi as she lunged towards him, her knees weak and he spared her a glance before turning back to look around the corner.

Sakura managed to calm herself enough to look him over for any injuries and she iwas surprised to note that besides the one wound from earlier, he seemed relatively unharmed—albeit a little bloody.

Whatever Kakashi saw beyond their spot around the corner managed to upset him greatly, because she heard him harshly spit a curse before turning to her.

"Have you shot a gun before?" His voice was sharp and very different from the way he spoke to her last. Sakura won't lie and say it didn't intimidate her at least a little.

"N-no," she stuttered, and bit her lip when Kakashi cursed again. On second thought, maybe she should lie more often.

Her mouth opened to ask him why it would matter if she's ever shot a gun when he so clearly knows how to, when he thrusted a pistol and a magazine at her. Fumbling with it, Sakura awkwardly shifted its unfamiliar weight until it felt somewhat comfortable in her hands. The gun was still warm, but she didn't want to think about where—or _who_ —he got it from.

"Listen to me carefully," Kakashi enunciates slowly, and Sakura has a strong feeling that he's going to say something she's not going to like at all.

"You are holding a 9mm pistol," he began and she swallowed nervously; she had no idea what he's talking about, "To shoot it, you pull the trigger," Well, duh, obviously, "But you have to switch it off of SAFE first," Oh, she didn't know _that_ , "When you run out of bullets, eject the magazine using the release button here," Kakashi touched the small button on the side of the pistol's grip and Sakura nodded, "Then take the spare I gave you and slip it into the magazine well, rack the slide back, and then shoot."

At that, Sakura gave him a blank look and Kakashi demonstrated for her. Now, normally, Sakura was a quick learner, but something about guns always confused the hell out of her. Her two best friends were obsessed with them, but Sakura would much rather use her fists of fury.

Noticing how Sakura wasn't quite understanding what he was saying, Kakashi decided to simplify it for her.

"Just remember these three words: Tap, Rack, Bang."

At Tap, Kakashi loaded a magazine into what she assumed was the magazine well, tapping the bottom of it hard enough so that she heard the click of it catching and locking. For Rack, he slid the top part of the gun back and then checked that a round was chambered.

"Bang is self-explanatory," he said dryly, "Keep your finger straight and off of the trigger until you are ready to fire, do you understand me?"

Sakura nodded but she still didn't quite understand why she had to know all of this; when she asked, Kakashi exhaled and suddenly looked a lot older than she what she actually thought.

"Because, Sakura," he said tiredly, looking world weary and resigned, "I can't protect you from the unknown. I'd rather you didn't do this."

Her pink lips tightened into a grim line and she nodded despite the way her heart stuttered at the thought of shooting a weapon to defend herself. Kakashi laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder and she smiled gratefully at him as they both began to pull away from the wall to cautiously walk down the abandoned hall.

That was until he looked back at her and said, "Remember, two in the chest, and one in the head."

Sakura nearly choked on her own spit and stumbled over her own feet.

 _"Oh my god!_ " she screeched, "I am _not_ killing anyone!"

The sound of Kakashi laughing humorlessly—indulgently, as if to sarcastically say _of course you're not_ —made the hairs on the back of her neck rise in alarm.

Something in her snapped at the sound and she stopped in the middle of the red-lit corridor.

"No!"

Kakashi turned in time to see Sakura fling the loaded gun at the floor between them, and his eyes coolly lifted from the gun to her angrily flushed face.

"Don't do that again," he warned as he bent over to pick it up and tucked it into the waistband of his pants, "I mean it."

"I don't care!" Sakura hissed, "I am _not_ killing anyone! I'm supposed to _save_ lives, not take them! I refuse!"

"Okay."

" _There's no_ —what did you say?"

Kakashi scrubbed his hand over his masked face and she felt mildly guilty for stressing him out so much—but not by much, "I said that's fine."

"Oh," she supplied weakly, unsure of what to say now that she got her way, "Thanks."

His silver head nodded at her before he turned around and began walking once more, telling her to stay close to his side so that he could at least attempt to protect her.

"Oh, and Sakura," he said casually as they turned into another empty, but severely damaged hallway, "Don't ever throw a loaded gun at me. It could have misfired and shot you in the face."

Sakura managed to squeak out an embarrassed apology before pretending to look for threats, sure that the flush warming her face matched the shade of her hair, and plucked an abandoned martini from a curiously unscathed bench.

She was definitely going to need a healthy amount of liquid courage for tonight, Gods help her.

.

.

 _tbc_

* * *

 **Two Cents:** "Two to the chest, one to the head" is derived from the Failure to Stop drill taught to law enforcement and military. There is also the Controlled Pair drill and multiple target engagement drill.

Each one is lethal, as they all involve shots to the pelvis, chest, and head.


	3. Chop, Chop!

**Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.**

 **A/N:** _Again, I changed the tense to match the previous chapters!_

 **Revised:** _March 3, 2017_

.

.

* * *

"Where are we going?"

That had to be the _tenth_ time the little pink haired woman had asked him that particular question in the last two minutes, and Kakashi was one feminine breath away from shooting himself with his own gun.

Closing his eyes and silently asking whatever deity he hadn't managed to piss off (yet) for patience, Kakashi pivoted on the heel of his foot to face the little nuisance named _Sakura_. The annoying clicks of her thigh high heeled boots (those things were what fantasies were made of, _honestly_ ) skidded to a hasty stop as she crashed into his chest—again.

Normally, Kakashi wouldn't mind a beautiful woman trailing after him like Pakkun did back when he was a puppy, but right _now_ Kakashi wanted this certain woman far, far away from him—even if she did look pretty endearing in the armored vest hanging off her petite frame.

It was bad enough that he had been called in to handle the mess created by his two baboons for students, but now he was saddled with an innocent civilian girl who was currently staring at him expectantly with sea glass colored eyes. Also, said innocent civilian girl seemed about one dead body away from going into shock.

And he _does not_ have time for that.

"Kakashi!"

Ah, yes, she asked him a question…one that he really doesn't know the answer to. Where _were_ they going? He couldn't exactly bring her back to his agency's headquarters, and staying at the club was definitely _not_ the best course of action. He gave it about ten more minutes before the place was overrun by cops and crime scene investigators; and trust him when he says he _definitely_ doesn't want to be there for that.

Scratching his head thoughtfully with the muzzle of his gun, Kakashi frowned from beneath his mask and contemplated how likely he was to get killed if he just turned around and headed back to the storage closet.

An annoyed huff came from a few inches below his chin. Oh, _right_ , Sakura…he couldn't just abandon her. Well, technically, he could; but Obito would have his head if he found out he left a hot girl behind to die.

A hot girl who was also a _doctor_.

His side chose that exact moment to spasm painfully and the smart portion of his brain reminds him of how efficient she was in handling his injury.

Meanwhile, the other section of his brain that was purely reserved for Icha Icha and all other perverseness helpfully provides an image of Sakura in an erotic nurse uniform with a syringe reminding him of that physical he's been avoiding for the last decade.

Storing the tantalizing image for later, Kakashi turned his attention back to his pink haired companion. Really, this new dye trend is getting a bit out of hand. God knows how many times he's tried convincing Naruto to stop bleaching his already blonde hair.

Honestly, that boy was all loud colors and irritation.

But it seemed as though Sakura had deemed him a lost cause and was currently standing a few feet away examining a very _odd_ painting on the wall with squinted eyes and a hand on her hip.

"How much do you think this painting of a dick is worth?"

Kakashi shrugged but still stepped closer to make out the neat scrawl on the bottom left of the painting. He surprisingly recognized the artist's name—a young man called Sai—and determined that the painting is worth a few thousand. Although, Sai was known for his beautiful landscapes and traditional Japanese artwork and not…penises.

That piece must have been custom made.

Sakura's lips puckered in thought, "Do you think that's the owner's— _oh my god_ , that's gross."

He watched her shake her head in disgust with the sort of amusement that comes from asking someone to pull his finger. He was only slightly surprised when she grabbed his hand and led him away with a rushed, _"Get this away from me."_

Still, he couldn't help but poke some fun at her expense.

"Maa, Sakura-chan," he crooned, "It's only a blue pecker!"

It took approximately 2.7 seconds for Sakura register the fact that a grown ass man has used the word _pecker_ and that he's making fun of her, to whip around and face him incredulously.

"If I wanted an unsolicited dick picture from a stranger, I would have joined Tinder," she hissed and crossed her arms.

" _Seriously_ ," she spat, "I don't understand men's obsession with their—"

Kakashi started in alarm as her angry tirade was cut short by a man who came barreling out of a restroom towards her. He lifted his weapon to take a quick shot at the man's torso, slightly concerned with the high possibility of hitting Sakura, but he found that his efforts were for naught.

With wide eyes, Kakashi watched as Sakura karate chopped the fuck out of the man's throat with a cry that sounded eerily close to that of a goat, and both watched incredulously as the man crumpled to his knees as he gasped for air. Kakashi would bet his milk money that the poor guy had a collapsed trachea and it didn't take long for him to fall unconscious.

There was quite the stunned silence for a few seconds until Sakura whipped around with bright eyes and a slack jaw (and, hotness aside, she looked pretty stupid).

"Did you see that?!" She cried breathlessly, "I did the thing!"

And she demonstrates a few times to make sure he understands what exactly "the thing" is.

"Holy shit," she whispered as she stared with flaring nostrils at the man breathing shallowly at her feet, "It worked!"

"That it did," Kakashi hummed as he prodded the man's side with the tip of his booted toe. Wow, she really did a number on the brute—he would die in the next ten minutes, but _he's_ not going to be the one to tell her.

No, sir. He was already bitched at once today.

Raising an inquisitive brow, Kakashi couldn't deny his curiosity, "Where'd you learn to do that anyway?"

Sakura started as if she had forgotten he was there and turned away from her handiwork to smile bashfully at him, "I, um, saw it on TV once."

"You saw it on TV once," he repeated flatly, not sure if he's heard that right.

"Uh, yeah, y'know those, um, ninja movies?" She fidgeted with her hands and couldn't quite meet his stare, "Well, it worked there, so why not?"

"You do understand those movies are fake, right?" He couldn't help but ask her this slowly and was met with a petulant green glare.

"Of course I do!"

Well, putting her misguided aspirations to be a ninja aside, Kakashi was pleased to note that perhaps his little pink haired charge was not that defenseless after all. Giving her his oh so famous eye crinkle (and ignoring the way her eyes narrowed suspiciously at him) Kakashi stepped away from the dying man and gestured for Sakura to follow him. (He also ignored the way she whispered to herself, _"ohmygod, is he dead?"_ )

"Do you have a car?" He asked as they walked quickly towards the nearest exit and sighed when Sakura shook her head.

Of course she wouldn't; he could smell the alcohol on her. Well, at least she's responsible, he'll give her that.

"Where do you live," he asked next, and Sakura visibly hesitates to answer.

"By the Eco-Center," she said after a while and he cursed. That's on the other side of town, and also conveniently (or in his case, _inconveniently_ ) placed next to the police station. It seemed that no matter how much he doesn't want to, he's going to have to bring her to his place.

His place that was located in the country.

In the middle of nowhere.

Away from civilization.

Kakashi nearly groaned out loud—she's going to think he's a serial killer.

(Which, if he were being brutally honest, is technically true.)

He's brought out of his thoughts by the loud wail of police sirens and he actually does curse out loud this time. Sakura keened pathetically but also looked relieved at the sight of the uniformed men.

"Don't get too happy there, pixie," he mumbled as he watched the flurry of movement outside through the small window in the door, "If you run to them, you'll be held for questioning or who knows what else."

Sakura mouthed 'pixie' to herself disbelievingly before glaring at him.

"And," he added as an afterthought, "I don't doubt there are some of their guys working on the inside."

"So, you'll probably die anyway."

He listened with perverse amusement as she cursed her luck and some blonde headed pig that he's pretty sure doesn't exist; but hey, to each their own.

"Then what do we do?" She asked grimly, sounding sad enough to make him frown.

For some reason, it bothered him that she feels defeated when just a few minutes ago she was practically bouncing happily from finding out how lethal her hands were. This sad demeanor doesn't suit her.

"Maa, Sakura-chan," he sang, "Leave it all to me."

Ignoring the way she stared at him skeptically, Kakashi propped open the door wide enough for his body to slip through. He gritted his teeth at the awful groaning it made as metal rubbed against metal, and slid through easily. The strobing police lights reflected off his eyes as they watched police and media run towards the entrance to the club, oblivious to the prime suspect making his getaway.

Well, Naruto and Sasuke would be the prime suspects, but that was neither here nor there.

Gently grasping Sakura's hand in his own and pulling her through the gap, Kakashi closed it slowly and then they were outside in front of the entrance to an alleyway.

The unspoken _now what?_ hung in the air between them and Kakashi decided that their next best course of action is getting far, far away from there. Grabbing Sakura's smaller hand once more, he pulled her to a sprint and the way Sakura kept up with him in those heels of hers actually made him proud.

Women were a work of magic, seriously.

They ran down two more alleyways before Kakashi hailed a cab and they both breathlessly crawled into the back seat. He took a moment to relax and ease into the hard leather seat before giving the dumbfounded driver an address.

And then it got awkward.

Because that's when Kakashi notices that he's a little too tall for the damn cab, and Sakura was practically sprawled on his lap from when they had hastily jumped in. Coughing to hide his discomfort—and overlooking the slight pink tinge to Sakura's cheeks as she removed herself from his person—Kakashi shifted his legs in a way that he hoped would be less uncomfortable.

Nope, still sucked.

Sakura, however, was sitting rigidly to his left with her hands clenched tightly around her purse. Her eyes kept darting from the window, to his face, to the cabbie's eyes that kept glancing at them nervously from his rear view mirror.

Some cheesy old music filled the silence and the ride was actually quite pleasant—leg cramps aside.

The landscape breezed by them and the air from the open window blew through his hair and he found his mind drifting towards more pressing matters. Like, _what the fuck_ he's going to do with Sakura; and, how he's going to humiliate Sasuke and Naruto.

The latter would be simpler, as he's sure the two have some rumors of a sordid tryst that would be easy to exploit. Whoever said Kakashi had gotten soft in his old age had obviously never pissed him off.

"So, uh, rough night?"

The cabbie's heavily accented question jolted Kakashi out of his thoughts and Sakura audibly gulped. Meeting the cabbie's nervous stare through the mirror, Kakashi blinked passively.

"Not particularly," he drawled, hoping that the cabbie would shut up and mind his own business.

"Well," Nope, no such luck. "You look a little…roughed up."

The cabbie gestured at his face and clothes in a waving gesture and Kakashi looked down at himself.

Oh, right, the blood of his enemies. Of course.

The cabbie—a short portly man with too large eyes—stared at him suspiciously through the mirror and Kakashi broke eye contact only when Sakura's hand landed on his thigh and gripped tightly.

 _Damn_. They should really cover these types of scenarios in training.

 _What to say, what to say..._

Kakashi was a genius, but he never claimed to be _smart_.

Jerking his head in Sakura's direction, Kakashi casually said, "She's on her period."

And when the cabbie continued to stare at him in confusion, Kakashi added impassively, "A real man loves his woman _every_ day of the month."

Sakura squawked not entirely unlike a crow and turns a curious shade that is somewhere in between _lobster_ and _firetruck_.

The cabbie's eyes widened in embarrassment and he nodded his head before directing his eyes back to the road like they should have been in the first place. Meanwhile, Sakura's grip on his thigh was painfully strong and he coolly attempted to pry her fingers away from what he's sure were finger shaped bruises. But she held on tight and her eyes were like blazing fire when he met them with his own mismatched pair.

"I am _not_ on my period!" She hissed and Kakashi had just opened his mouth to tell her to shut her trap because _yes she most definitely was_ when the cabbie spoke again.

"So why do you wear the mask?"

Sakura stilled in that way that screamed c _aught!_ while Kakashi merely tilted his head and smirked from beneath his mask.

"Have you ever had tuna?"

Sakura's outraged screech would ring in his ears for hours to come, and there's a new throbbing in his thigh from where she had hammer punched the shit out of it.

He really should have gone back to the damned storage closet.

.

.

* * *

 **Two Cents:** A few readers PM'd me asking what I meant by Kakashi's last line, and well...it's a dirty, mean joke. If you don't get it, please feel free to send me a PM and I'll clarify it for you!


	4. Hey, Diddle, Diddle!

**Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies!**

 **Revised: _March 3, 2017_**

.

.

* * *

Tuna!

He said her _lady parts_ smelled like tuna!

And she _was most certainly not_ on her period!

Sakura growled to herself at the audacity of the man as she sat with her arms crossed in the awkward silence of the cab ride. The cabbie kept alternating between shooting sympathizing eyes at Kakashi and glancing at her in disgust. She could have sworn she saw him mouth _foul creature_ to himself, and needless to say, Sakura was not happy.

Glaring venomously at the passing scenery—and ignoring the way Kakashi kept rubbing at the sore spot in his thigh—Sakura realized with a start that she had no idea where they were going. As if going to a strange man's house wasn't bad enough, this man was _actually_ a killer!

Sakura's anger was soon replaced by that awful feeling she got when she's done something incredibly stupid. Fidgeting slightly in her seat, and biting her thumbnail, she chanced anxious eyes in Kakashi's direction and then hastily averted them when his eyes lifted to meet hers.

Crap, it's like he knew every time she's looking at him!

Ino's voice in her head tells her to keep staring because _wow that jawline is—_

Sakura shut that thought down with a huff, and peeked at Kakashi again from under her lashes. He was staring out the window with sharp eyes and the lines of his shoulders were tense, and Sakura remembered that he's probably in pain because of that tampon she shoved into him earlier. Chewing her lip, her eyes raked down his form and Sakura noted—with a small amount of embarrassment—that had they met differently (like _normal_ people), she would have found herself irrevocably drawn to him.

She's always liked those dark, mysterious types.

But it wasn't like she wasn't attracted to him _now_ , though. The image of his Abercrombie abs and his Calvin Klein jawline just wouldn't leave her head, and she was horrified to feel herself flush as her inner voice helpfully supplied a mental image of his naked torso because _woah baby._

"You can stop here."

Sakura jerked at the sound of Kakashi's smooth voice, and her hands reflexively clutched her bag protectively to her chest.

He had such a Disney villain voice, but he was one of the good guys, _right?_

It wasn't like he was going to just _kill her_ after all that trouble he went through, _right?_

Because that would be a _complete_ waste of effort on his part! And it wasn't like she was going to _tell_ anyone about this night, anyway.

Well, except for, maybe, Ino.

And her Mom.

The cab pulled to a stop and Sakura swiveled wide eyes to see where Kakashi had taken her and her heart dropped to about where her feet were when she noticed that they were _in the middle of nowhere._

And it was _dark._

From what she _could_ see, they were on a dirt road surrounded by trees; and she thought there was a barn somewhere in that foreboding darkness because she heard a loud " _Moooooo_ " rise above the sound of crickets and other forest critters.

Sakura has watched enough horror movies in her lifetime to know that this is the part where she dies and _oh god_ he's going to kill her!

He was going to chop her body into little itty bitty pieces, and then feed them to the cows and she was going to be turned into _manure;_ and _oh man_ she could already hear Ino nagging her at her funeral because _"the_ ** _one_** _time I let you borrow my favorite Givenchy bag, you go on and get_ ** _murdered!_** _Who does that, Forehead?!"_

Sakura wasn't aware of how close she is to hyperventilating and having a panic attack until Kakashi jerked open the door and the first thing she did is shout, _"Manure smells!"_

The silver haired man raised that perfect sleek eyebrow of his and cut eyes to the cabbie who was staring at her dubiously. "Ignore her, she's drunk."

And then he was grabbing her by her wrist and not so gently pulling her out of the cab until he's half dragging, half carrying her away.

"Hey!"

Turning at the cabbie's obnoxiously loud call, both she and Kakashi watched as he stepped out of his vehicle and edged towards Sakura.

"Are you okay, miss?"

Sakura, whose mind is consumed with all of the reasons why she doesn't want to die (where owning a chinchilla is high on her list), opened her mouth to say that _no,_ she was not okay!

But then Kakashi's grip tightened around her wrist and he lowered his head to mumble into her hair, "Remember what I said about the police."

And then his arm was nonchalantly slipping around her shoulders to tuck her into his armpit in a smooth movement that would have made awkward teenage boys weep with envy. The crown of her head barely bumped his chin, and his side was warm and solid against her own.

His warm breath fanned over the shell of her ear, and she shivered because it was inappropriately delightful. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you. Just breathe, and play the part of a drunken girlfriend."

Forcing her eyes to relax from their wide eyed stare, Sakura looked at the cabbie who looked between them suspiciously. Kakashi was right; her best bet was staying with him because she at least has his word that he won't hurt her.

And she honestly didn't really want to be involved in that major police investigation that's going to happen once they get back to civilization.

Sakura allowed the dreaded, long-repressed blush to creep its way up her chest to her cheeks as she shyly wrapped her arm around Kakashi's waist while her other hand reached up to interlace with the one he rested on her shoulder.

She looked to him for reassurance and his eyes smiled at her as the hand holding her own gave it a comforting squeeze. Her other hand clenched the material of his sweater in a white knuckled grip, all too aware of the male body beside her.

She's supposed to act like the girlfriend who's had too much to drink and therefore doesn't know how to control her mouth. And well, Sakura quipped, she's been around Ino long enough to know what _that_ sounds like.

"Kashi," she whined in a slight slur, _"Kashi-baby,"_ she ignored the way his hand tightened around her own at the nickname, "My feet hurt, let's go _home!"_

Queue sniffling and a high pitched wail, "And I broke a _nail~!"_

Holding her hand in front of her in a show of vapid self-important misery, Sakura was actually a bit dismayed to note that she _had_ broken a nail. Her mother had taken her to get a manicure as a gift for her sheer awesome-ness, and she had only had one day to enjoy the nude tapered nails.

They were a little blood stained, too. But she ignored that because, _gross_.

 _"Look,"_ she yowled, trying extra hard to act annoying, "They were _sooooo_ pretty, and now they're broken!"

She felt the rumble of Kakashi's chest as he chuckled into her hair, "Don't worry, Cherry-baby," Ew, seriously? That was such a terrible pet name, "We'll get them fixed tomorrow morning when you feel better."

Lifting exaggeratedly watery eyes, Sakura pouted. "Really? You _promise?"_

When he nods, Sakura makes a show of nuzzling her nose into the hollow of his throat, and suppressed the gag that came from the sharp coppery tang of blood lingering on his clothes.

A cough meant to interrupt them pulled their attention back to the cabby, who looked a bit uncomfortable but also irate.

"Alright, whatever," he groused, "Where's my money?"

 _Oh, hell._

The pseudo couple freezed, and there was a pregnant pause as the cabby's unrelenting gaze remained glued to them.

"One moment please," Kakashi sang cheerfully before spinning her around so that their backs were to the other man.

"You don't happen to have any cash on you, do you?" Kakashi asked her quietly, his head very close to her own.

Sakura's shoulders dropped incredulously from their tense position by her ears, "You don't carry a wallet?!"

Kakashi snorted. " _Oh, right,_ I'm _so_ stupid for not carrying a wallet with all of my personal information to an assassination."

Sakura grit her teeth at his sarcastic tone (the nerve of that man astounded her), smacked him on the side with the back of her hand, and was pleased by his pained grunt.

"You're the one with the purse, anyway," he grumbled as he rubbed his side and Sakura stuck her tongue out at him as she opened the _gorgeous_ gray purse to rifle around it until she pulled out a wad of crumpled cash.

Kakashi looked on with anticipation as she unraveled the bills and Sakura frowned.

"I have three dollars," she squeaked as she held up the torn and wrinkled bills. Kakashi slapped a hand over his eyes with a groan and this was _a lot_ worse than that time she pulled up to a drive-thru for a large order without her wallet.

The cabbie cleared his throat again, and Sakura whipped around to send him an appeasing—and hopefully charming—grin. "One moment, please!"

To Kakashi she said, "What are we going to do?"

"Listen," he replied gruffly, "I got us _this_ far; it's _your_ turn to bail us out."

Reeling back in abject horror because this was _just_ her luck, Sakura whispered back furiously, "What?! _My turn?!_ I wanted _no_ part in this! I _did not_ volunteer to follow you—I was volun- _told!_ I— _no!"_

"Calm down, woman!" Kakashi whispered back just as harshly, "Figure something out! Aren't you some type of genius, Miss Almost Doctor?"

Sakura was about two seconds away from jamming her heel into his instep for how infuriating he was, but was closer to losing her mind. "I am a _paper_ genius! I don't do well in these types of situations! _Look_ , I'm already starting to break out in hives!"

Gesturing to the smooth skin of her arms (because she's not actually breaking out in hives, she's just being completely and totally dramatic), Sakura tried very hard to deflect the responsibility of finding a way to get themselves out of this mess. Now, she's usually very adept when it comes to thinking on her feet; but there's just something about the incredibly stressful situation, the foreign blood on her skin, and the booze in her system that was making her a hundred times battier than she normally was.

Sakura once again has the miserable thought that Ino would know what to do.

Gasping, because Ino was the _greatest_ person ever and bless the girl's foresight, Sakura swiveled bright eyes to find Kakashi's flat bi colored stare.

"I have an Arrive Alive card!" She breathed, giddily and all too happy that _something_ has gone right this evening!

"A what." Kakashi deadpanned and Sakura rolled her eyes impatiently.

"An _Arrive Alive_ card! It's for when you're too drunk to drive! You just give it to the cab driver and he's supposed to accept it! _For free!"_

Opening her purse once more, Sakura started rifling around its contents until she found the bright blue, cheaply laminated card. This was awesome! The best thing ever! All cab drivers were legally required to accept Arrive Alive cards because it reduced drunk driving—it was fool proof! Flicking her pastel pink hair over her shoulder, and holding it up in triumph, Sakura pivoted on the balls of her feet to face the cab driver who looked like someone took a giant dump in his Cheerios.

"Here you go, sir!" She chirped happily as she walked forward to place it in his outstretched hand. The small man narrowed his tarsier eyes as he turned the card over in his hands, squinting as he read the fine print.

"Nope, I won't accept this."

Sakura twitched.

"What do you mean," she started slowly, the poor bills in her fists crumpling beyond recognition with her ire, "you won't accept it?"

The cabby shrugged, his thin lips curling slowly into an apologetic smile that was not the least bit genuine, "Cash only, sorry."

She had just opened her mouth to tell him just where he could shove his cash only policy when Kakashi pried the bills from her white knuckled grip to throw it at the driver's face. In the seconds it took for the greedy man to flinch, then fumble to catch the bills, Kakashi had already grabbed her by her waist and thrown her across his shoulders in a fireman's carry.

"There's your cash!"

And then he was sprinting away, and Sakura was placing a hand on the strong muscles of his lower back to keep herself from falling. The cabbie was shouting angrily behind them, her hair was bouncing in front of her eyes with each step, and she thinks she's going to be sick.

 _"This is so crazy!"_ She screeched, her voice lurching in tune with each impact of his shoulder against her ribs, _"Oh my God!"_

She felt, rather than heard, Kakashi's sigh even as he continued to sprint like he was running from lions in an African safari, his arm swinging beside him rapidly and the other clenched tightly around her wrist.

"If you keep screaming in my ear, I'm going to drop you."

His voice sounded unreasonably even for the pace he was keeping and it was completely unfair. But his warning does its job, and Sakura shut up in fear that he'd actually follow through with it. He struck her as the person who was more bite than bark, and being bitten on top of getting shot at was not quite her cup of tea.

So, she did what any other tipsy, warm blooded woman would do in her situation: Sakura huffed, blew the hair out of her eyes, and stared at the fine piece of ass moving just inches away from her fingertips.

The moment was awe inspiring, beautiful, perfect, _iconic_.

 _Holy gluteus maximus_ , her mind supplied reverently.

And then the lust and booze induced fog cleared for all of five minutes, and Sakura realized with a start that a man she had just met under the worst circumstances—who she'd seen _kill_ people—has her on his shoulders and was running away with her. It wasn't as romantic as it sounds, unfortunately, and she had to keep herself from losing her dinner.

The _one_ time she tried to be a social butterfly instead of the social rollie pollie she usually was, she ended up being kidnapped by a hot murderer. The irony was not lost on her, and Sakura's eyes slipped shut as she cursed her blonde friend for the nth time that night, then apologized to whatever deity she had managed to piss off.

It took her a moment to notice that her unconventional method of transportation had begun to slow down, and soon her world was tilting from their fixed point on Kakashi's ass. Kakashi's hands—devoid of the bloody gloves he'd shoved into his pocket—slid over the smooth skin of her thighs as he let her down. It felt nice, she privately admitted to herself, but she still tried to hide the nervous shaking of her hands by adjusting her—Kakashi's—bullet proof vest.

Kakashi's strangely beautiful eyes crinkled reassuringly as they caught her own, and Sakura was struck—once again—by his beauty. His hair was unruly, but the disarray was oddly charming, and she could see the indent of a dimple beneath his mask. When he turned away, she grumbled to herself that even his profile was unreasonably handsome! The straight slope of his nose crinkled at the odd smell in the air, and his jaw line was simply wonderful. His chest rose in time with his heavy breathing as he tries to catch his breath and Sakura lips pursed in a small scowl before shrugging.

Kakashi was beautiful, and she supposed there are worse ways to die.

Ripping her gaze away from the man at her side, Sakura tried, and failed, to keep a neutral expression on her face as her sea glass eyes scanned the area—noticing once more that they were _in the middle of nowhere_.

And they were surrounded by cows.

She's so far passed being scared she's gone straight to being irritable.

"Okay, where are we now?" She huffed as she crossed her arms. Sakura was so done with tonight: she'd been groped, knocked over, threatened with rape, almost killed, and kidnapped! She's practically indestructible now!

"We," Kakashi drawled slowly, "are about a quarter of a mile away from my house."

 _What._

"You're kidding me," she plead, because he couldn't seriously be thinking of making her walk a quarter of a mile in mud and cow poop!

"Nope! Let's get going!"

And without waiting for her, Kakashi started trudging through the questionable goop while she stood there and tried so very hard not to scream in frustration. But…she didn't want to be left behind, and she didn't know where she was. Mind unwillingly made up, Sakura hurriedly unlaced her heels and held them (and Ino's purse) close to her chest protectively as she rushed to catch up to him. She tried so very hard to ignore the gross feeling of mud and _whatever_ squelching between her toes as she tried to reach his side.

 _"This is so wild,"_ she couldn't help but whisper to herself as she flinched away from curious snuffles. Kakashi was a few feet ahead of her and she was so focused on coming up even with him that she didn't notice the large cow approaching her flank.

"Watch out for Miss Bertha over there!" Kakashi called back warningly, his hand passing over a little auburn calf's snout, "She's very affectionate!"

But when he turned around to see why the ever present whiner of the two hadn't replied, he found her on her back with a large dairy cow—namely, Miss Bertha—nuzzling her hair and licking the sweat from her face.

It appeared that Miss Bertha hadn't even given the poor girl a chance to speak, lest she be French kissed by a cow, and Sakura's indignant squeals were interlaced with breathless giggles.

Well, he _did_ warn her!

But he still walked over with barely suppressed amusement to gently push Miss Bertha away and haul the tiny woman to her feet. Except, this time she barely reached his armpit, and she smelled like shit.

Like, actual shit.

Wrinkling his nose, Kakashi said, "You smell like shit."

And then Sakura wheeled on him with all of the righteous fury someone who's barely tall enough to ride a roller coaster could possess to viciously step on his instep before stomping off.

 _"You better have a nice fucking shower!"_

 _._

 _._

 _tbc_

* * *

 **Two Cents:** When I picture Sakura saying, "I have three dollars," I automatically think of that Patrick meme where he holds up three dollars.


	5. 8

**Disclaimer: All standard disclaimers apply.**

 **Revised:** _March 3, 2017_

.

.

* * *

When Kakashi first started wearing masks during assassinations, he did it as a precaution. His features were very distinct—silver hair aside—and he'd rather not make a lasting impression. There wasn't a profound reason behind it, as everyone was wont to assume; there weren't any disfiguring scars, no tragic shame or angst that caused him to cover his face. In fact, he's found that his main reason for wearing a mask was less cataclysmic than his peers' dramatic whispers presume.

He did it because people _smell_.

Whether it was cologne applied with a heavy hand or simply deplorable personal hygiene, most—if not all—of his targets emitted a foul odor. The mask didn't do much to cover it (especially against those particularly _nasty_ ones), but he found that it dulled the scent at least a little.

And now, keeping pace behind an angry five foot tall mobile latrine, Kakashi was once again thankful for the barrier between what he's sure was gag inducing and his delicate nose.

Grimacing at the way the petite female screeched after stepping in another pile of cow shit, Kakashi cursed himself—and not for the first time—for not going back to the damned supply closet. He'd rather risk being caught, escaping from a heavily populated police station, and becoming a fugitive than be subjected to Sakura's loud whining any longer.

He was sure that, from the outside looking in, the situation presents an extremely amusing picture; but the throbbing in his thigh, instep, and side did not agree. Cherry bubblegum princess appearance aside, Sakura was vicious, vitriolic and unstable. If she hit him _one more time_ , Kakashi swore he'd leave her in the woods to find her own way back.

But one look at her pouting lower lip as she fruitlessly swiped at the manure caking her arms (and her hair, dress, legs, _everywhere_ ) expelled the thought from his mind. With a sigh, Kakashi drew closer to his temporary companion and cleard his throat.

"We're not too far from my place," he said, wary of her hands and the way they were covered in foul smelling manure. He wouldn't put it passed her to add it to the myriad of bodily fluids covering his person, but Sakura only sighed heavily.

"What's _not too far_ to you?" She asked as she tried to wipe away the dirt and crap staining her purse. Her features twisted in a wince and he heard her mumble something about graves and loud pigs.

Kakashi was coming to realize that this girl seriously had an issue with pigs, but he digressed.

"As in, we're right around the corner," he replied, and the way she visibly perked up made him chuckle.

But his mirth was sharply interrupted by an acute pain in his side that reminded him that there were more pressing matters to attend to than a manure covered minx. Sakura was at his side in an instant, but Kakashi took a giant step away from her because _wow_ the smell was even worse up close. The rosette's brows drew together in confusion before her eyes widened in realization and she groaned.

 _"Okay,"_ she enunciated slowly, "Listen, I'm not going to touch you, but we _seriously_ need to hustle it up and get to your place before you—oh, I don't know— _bleed out?!"_

"Oh _, I'm sorry,_ " he replied with a snarky drawl, "I thought that by MacGyver'ing my bullet wound you would have miraculously cured me. I am _so_ silly."

Sakura's eye twitched at his sarcasm and he supposed that her displeasure made the pain a little more bearable, but she only huffed and turned to childishly stomp away from him—her feet sinking into the mud with each step.

"You're going the wrong away," he called out to her and she pivoted on the balls of her feet with a glare and continued down another well beaten path, "That's wrong, too."

Kakashi watched with twitching lips as Sakura stopped to visibly compose herself before turning to him with a saccharine smile.

 _"Lead the way then,"_ she hissed with a sweep of her hand, bristling when he shrugged and casually walked away, hands shoved into his pockets.

Kakashi could hear her walking behind him as they came across trees and more solid ground along a secluded hiking trail. It was ridiculous how much a person could complain about something, and _wasn't she supposed to be drunk?_ A loud yelp and a slurred cuss from behind him answered _that_ question and he sighed. He really wanted to shift the blame on someone else for his current predicament, and though Naruto and Sasuke both had _something_ to do with it, he couldn't find fault with anyone but himself.

Because (and Kakashi _really_ wanted to punch himself for this one) _he_ was the one who made Sakura tag along. He could have easily knocked her out and left her in the supply closet for the police to find and made his _solo_ escape, but _no_. He just had to look into her too damn large sea glass eyes when she asked him to come back and he just had to say "yes." Because, _really_ , (and it was Genma's voice in his head who so loudly reminded him) when a gorgeous woman asks _you_ to come back to her you just don't say _no_.

Unfortunately, his second head was going to get him in more trouble than it was worth because he could already feel the Department Head's snow globe pelting him in his _first_ head. Tsunade was _not_ going to be pleased when he called her to tell her about his new responsibility. In fact, one of the core rules of the agency was to avoid involving civilians; and not only did he use a _taxi_ for a getaway car, but he consciously compromised his professional integrity by making this poor girl accompany him against her will…sort of.

It's not like he had any type of responsibility towards her either. Kakashi was not the type to make brash decisions, much less when it came to work, so he genuinely could not figure out what it was about Sakura that made him bring her along. He was not known—by anyone—as someone to reach out and willingly help others, even though he had a high moral compass. He just couldn't be bothered to put himself out there for something that had nothing in terms of personal gain.

If he wanted to do something altruistic without receiving anything in return he would have been a cop, not a hitman.

And Kakashi was _good_ at his job—he was one of, if not, _the_ best. So he, for the _life_ of him, could not figure out why he would he tarnish his wonderfully clean track record by involving an innocent in this absolute train wreck of a mission. Maybe it was the way she reached out to him with pleading eyes and in a small voice asked him to come back, maybe it was the way she unconventionally patched him up even though she was obviously afraid of him, or _maybe_ it was the thigh high boots!

Kakashi paused thoughtfully; oh yeah, he'd blame it _all_ on the thigh high boots.

Because it wasn't like he knew anything about her; he didn't even know her age! He knew trivial details about the woman that was Sakura: she had pink hair, she was five feet tall, she was going to be a doctor, and she was whiny when drunk. It wasn't enough to justify his uncharacteristic concern for her wellbeing, so he'd just chalk it all down to those sinful boots of hers because he was _obviously_ thinking with the wrong head.

The sharp pain from his bullet wound drew him out of his thoughts long enough for Kakashi to realize that there was a distinct lack of complaining and foot steps behind him. Turning around, he saw Sakura standing a few feet away gnawing viciously on her lower lip and wringing her dirty hands.

Raising an eyebrow, he called out to her, "You okay? We're almost there."

His eyebrow hiked its way further to his hairline when her pretty features contorted into a grimace. He watched curiously as she worried herself over something—probably the fact that she was following a stranger into his home—before her troubled eyes lifted to meet his.

It seemed like the drunken fog had lifted from her eyes with the adrenaline rush she had gotten earlier, because she seemed a lot more coherent than before.

"Listen, Kakashi," she blurted out hastily as if coming to the conclusion that if she didn't speak her mind then, it wasn't going to happen at all, "I don't know what it is that you do, but what I _do_ know is that I am _really, really_ not looking to die tonight, y'know?

I am _one hundred percent_ sure that my death is supposed to be a lot less dramatic than all of this. It's actually supposed to be _incredibly_ boring, like dying in my sleep or something."

Scratch that, she was still drunk. Kakashi sighed and resisted the urge to rub his temples.

"Sakura," he interrupted when she opened her mouth to continue her tangent on why she didn't deserve to be _murdered in the woods in west Bumblefuck with the cows_ , "Just come with me; I promise I'm not going to hurt you. I saved your life back there, and if I wanted to kill you, don't you think I would have by now?"

Her mouth shut with an audible click and she mulled over his words and the blatant truth in them. When it didn't seem like she was going to take another step, Kakashi pulled out his trump card that always worked with Tsunade when she was being particularly unbearable.

Furrowing his brows, widening his eyes and slumping his shoulders, he made sure he looked his most pathetic and said, _"Please."_

And was inwardly pleased with himself when Sakura's cheeks puffed out as her resolve withered away at his greatest impression of Pakkun. A few moments of awkward silence passed before she sighed out a doleful " _fine_ " and resumed walking.

Perhaps Kakashi hadn't pissed off all of the deities up there because _that_ was easy.

Soon, they came upon his humble abode and Sakura gasped beside him. Ah, well, maybe his home wasn't _that_ humble. Walking calmly up his driveway, Kakashi ignored Sakura's wide eyes on his back and gaping mouth.

Assassins made good money, and it kind of helped that he was born _into_ old money. Though there weren't many Hatake left in the world (he was sure he was the last, actually), his clan was part of Konoha's founding way back when and he was filthy stinkin' rich because of it. Not only that, he was so cheap and frugal with his money that the most he spent was on Pakkun's toys and food. If it was cheap, Hatake Kakashi liked it.

That didn't mean that he didn't allow himself some luxuries, though. Like the big ass house that Sakura was currently gaping at like a fish out of water. Seriously, it was _not_ a good look for her (not like he was going to tell her, though). He winced when she ran her fingers over the side of his black Maserati reverently, peering into the windows like a child and getting mud and shit all over it.

He shrugged, it needed a wash anyway.

Kakashi wasn't materialistic by any means, but that didn't mean that he didn't take care of his things. While he was too apathetic to flaunt his money like some of his targets were wont to do, he knew the value of his possessions and he was also kind of a neat freak. Sakura tracking mud and manure through his marbled floor was going to drive him slightly insane, but he could handle it.

Coming up on his door, Kakashi dug through his pocket for the custom key to his alarm system and automatic locks. Being an assassin also made you a paranoid asshole, but it was kind of a given. You can't go out killing people and expect _other_ people to be all hunky dory about it.

And it seemed like _someone_ wasn't too happy with him tonight because his alarm had been tampered with. As in, it was broken. The system had been fried electrically and presently disabled, so that meant that there were intruders in his currently dark house. It wasn't any of his coworkers or friends, as they all had personal codes to his house that granted them access to specific locations.

Obviously, whoever broke into his house "stealthily" was an amateur and an idiot because they didn't even bother to twist his third lock. Although, he had to give it to them for at least making it seem like no one had been there. When he opened the door, Pakkun even came out to greet him despite being eerily subdued.

It angered him a bit—actually, it angered him _a lot._ This was _his_ safe haven; how dare they come and bother him here? _And they intimidated his dog?!_ Oh hell no, they were going _down._

 _"Wow,"_ Sakura breathed beside him and Kakashi was tossed out of his thoughts. "You live here?!"

Crap, _Sakura_.

He couldn't exactly hunt down intruders with her by his side as he was sure she'd get hurt in the crossfire. _But_ , he could find something to occupy her time while he took care of it. It was best to act nonchalant and not make it obvious that there was a problem.

Flipping on the lights, his lips twitched at her appreciative coo. His home was sparsely, but well, decorated. Kurenai and Obito's wife, Rin, had taken it upon themselves to furnish and decorate his home when they paid him a visit and found that he was living in a place that looked more like a storage unit than a home.

Now it looked like he lived in some home display or like a real estate open house, and if the way Sakura was slightly fidgeting because she didn't want to ruin anything was anything to go by, it looked pretty damn nice, femininity non-withstanding.

His mismatched eyes scanned the foyer discretely as he made his way deeper into his house as Sakura followed and narrowed on a minute track of mud on the stairs. He couldn't find mud anywhere else, so he assumed that they hoped to catch him while he was asleep or unwinding for the night.

Luckily for Sakura, he had an amazing guest bathroom on the first floor. He made a beeline towards it and Sakura rushed to catch up.

"Where are we going?" She asked breathlessly, wincing as her feet tracked mud onto his immaculate floor.

"You said you wanted a shower, right?" he replied distractedly, no doubt thinking about his best course of action, "There's a guest bedroom down here with a shower you can use."

"Oh my gosh," Sakura gushed in reply, "Thank you so much. A shower would be great!" Then her eyes narrowed, "It better be nice, Kakashi, I swear to God…"

"Maa, Sakura-chan," Kakashi crooned, "It'll be the nicest shower you've had yet."

Sakura ignored the familiarity with which he said her name, and instead opted to peer curiously over his shoulder as he opened the door to the guest bedroom and then the bathroom. He stepped aside as she slowly walked in and then observed quietly as she poked around and examined the bath products that were sitting by the tub.

He _did_ smile, however, when she gasped upon seeing the adjoining shower. He had to admit, it _was_ a really nice shower—Rin's favorite, actually.

"Are you _serious,"_ Sakura breathed excitedly, swiveling her head to look at him with a large grin, "You have a _performance_ shower?!"

Well damn, if she was _this_ excited about the shower in the guest bedroom, then she'd probably marry his blue-lighted rainfall luxury shower in his own master bedroom.

Kakashi obviously loved showers.

But Sakura didn't give him a chance to reply, because she was already turning the dials and pressing buttons to get the right temperature she wanted—which was clearly Satan's brand of _hot._ Water blasted from the sides of the shower and from the shower head and Sakura groaned appreciatively.

"Oh _hell_ yeah, I'm _so_ gonna enjoy this," she said to herself and then turned to Kakashi, "Well? What are you waiting for? Unless you want me to keep smelling like a walking cesspool, then I suggest you kindly _get out."_

Kakashi raised his hands in that way that said _okay, man, you got it_ and called over his shoulder as he walked away, "I'll bring you some towels and a change of clothes."

Shutting the door, he heard Sakura's answering _thanks_ that was soon lost under the loud spray of water. Great, now that she was occupied for at least thirty minutes (or more, it _was_ a pretty damn nice shower) he had the opportunity to hunt down his would be assassins.

Kakashi made his way to the walk-in kitchen pantry where he then opened a small trap door on the left that contained a myriad of weapons. Picking up and loading two hand guns, Kakashi placed one in his waist band and screwed a silencer on the other. Though Sakura's surprisingly _good_ singing was drifting from the shower, he didn't want to chance her hearing anything _odd_.

He twisted to the side to grab an extra magazine when his wound chose that exact moment to protest painfully at the movement. Gritting his teeth at the hot pain, Kakashi lifted his black shirt to see that the tampon and nipple adhesive were thoroughly soaked in his blood and would soon begin to trickle out. It demanded attention desperately, but he knew that he had to eliminate his intruders before he ended up worse off.

Like dead.

Another painful spasm reminded him that he'd probably die anyway from either blood loss or infection if he didn't tend to it soon. Rising to his feet, Kakashi silently closed the door to the pantry, then made his way to the living room where he turned on the TV and turned the volume up loud enough so that it would drown out whatever inexplicable sounds Sakura would probably hear, and also make the idiots upstairs think he's dropped his guard and relaxed.

He made his way slowly up the stairs, the weight of his gun resting comfortably in his hand and kept his senses sharp for any attack from the shadows. The vast hallway was more intimidating when the Boogeyman was actually hiding in the dark, though these guys are more like Boogey beetles.

A whisper of movement and suddenly there was a man lunging at him from his right with a knife. Kakashi twisted away and grabbed the man's arm, hitting up at the elbow and hyperextending it. The man dropped his knife with a howl and stumbled away, but was silenced by a gunshot to the head. His body dropped with a thud, and Kakashi scanned the hallway for more before dragging the corpse by its feet and shoving it into an empty closet.

Shutting the door quietly, Kakashi continued down the hall but halted sharply when he heard rapid footsteps. They were heavy and decidedly unfeminine and he repressed a sigh of relief—Sakura was still in the shower. Ducking into an open bedroom, he listened to the intruders pause by the puddle of blood staining his floor.

He silently checked the amount of rounds he had left in the gun in his hand, counted fourteen, and deemed it enough. Quickly stepping from behind the door, Kakashi used the element of surprise to shoot the first man he saw in the head before twisting and redirecting the next man's gun away to put rounds into his face and torso. When the man dropped, he dropped with him to shoot the next stunned intruder behind the previous in the groin and then head.

Rolling away from the onslaught of rounds destroying his décor and mirrors, Kakashi ducked into his pool room. He shot the next intruder that rushed into the room in the face and gritted his teeth when another gained from his distraction by making way into the room. He shot at Kakashi, but the silver haired man narrowly avoided losing an ear by dropping into a roll. He shot the man in the foot, and when he dropped he shot him once in the head.

Standing, Kakashi waited for more to come through the door, but relaxed minutely when no one did. Cautiously easing into the hallway, he swept his sights down the hall before making his way towards the stairs. Perhaps it was only those six baboons, and he needn't worry.

Abruptly, he was attacked as he made his way around the corner and Kakashi reacted on pure instinct when he ducked and delivered a jab to the stranger's abdomen. The man absorbed it with a stumble and a grunt, but Kakashi made quick work of swiping his leg out from under him and pressing a round into his skull.

His chest heaved with exertion, but there was no end in sight when another man took his distraction as an opportunity to slam him into the wall. They fought over control of each other's weapons but the man head butted him and Kakashi cried out when the back of his skull connected solidly with the wall. Nonetheless, he was better than this petty thug, so Kakashi ignored the way his vision swam and rotated the masked intruder's handgun to the left as another turned the corner and used the weapon to shoot that one solidly in the chest before winding the invader's arm up and down to throw him over his shoulder.

He landed on the ground with a loud grunt, but Kakashi didn't give him time to recover and pulled his spare gun from his waist band and shot him in the face, too. That was eight, and he kept his handgun at the ready even as the house remained silent. He searched the entire second floor for more, even the closets, but found none.

It was then that he noticed with dread that the house was also void of the sound of running water, and Kakashi cursed. Could Sakura have heard them? Had _they_ heard _her_?

Rushing down the stairs and towards the guest bathroom, Kakashi found nothing amiss, but still he knocked on the bathroom door.

"Sakura?" His voice sounded gravelly to his own ears and he cleared his throat, "Are you still in there?"

 _"Where's my towel, Kakashi?!"_

His shoulders sagged in unreasonable relief as her irate voice filtered through the door.

"Ah, sorry! Give me a minute!"

" _A minute?!_ Kakashi! I've been waiting for _at least_ twenty, how do you not know where your towels are?!"

But he was already rushing away to clean up the blood spatter on his face and find her some clean towels. As he was walking away, he remembered that he told her he'd bring her some clothes, so he rushed to his room (jumping over dead bodies as he did so) and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a red t-shirt.

When he returned, she was still ranting about how cold his bathroom was until he knocked on the door again.

"I brought you some towels and some clothes."

He stepped back when she opened the door, raising an eyebrow at the steam that curled lazily around the frame and the small pink head that poked out from behind it. A pale arm reached out to grab the offered items and then disappeared as she shut the door.

"Thanks," he heard her grumble and then the subsequent rustling of cloth, "What took you so long?"

Oh, _shit_. He didn't think he'd be that long, but a quick look at the clock and a curse told him that he'd been gone for almost an hour. He couldn't think of a reasonable excuse, besides maybe taking his own shower, but he was still grimy and disgusting. Well, he'd just have to improvise and make up some bullshit excuse…not like he did _that_ every day.

"Ah, well, I got lost," he offered sheepishly and scratched the back of his neck when Sakura opened the door (fully dressed in his clothes and _wow_ was that kind of cute) to stare at him incredulously.

"You got lost," she repeated slowly.

"Yes."

"But this is your house."

"There are lots of hallways here."

"But you _live_ here."

"It's a pretty large home, Sakura."

"Are you seri—oh my— _really?"_

* * *

 **.**

 **.**

After leaving Sakura in the kitchen to help herself to whatever food stuffs were in the refrigerator and pantry, Kakashi subtly checked the home for any more intruders, and finding none went to his own room to shower. When he emerged from his room, he looked at the bodies lying on his floor and sighed. Walking back into his bedroom, he searched it for his cell phone and cursed when he remembered that he left it on the kitchen counter.

Although he knew the clean-up crew's number by heart, he didn't keep any phones besides that one, and he needed to make the call as soon as possible. Cursing his luck, Kakashi stepped over bodies and composed his features into a neutral expression. That neutral expression was very nearly wiped off his face when he came upon Sakura stuffing her face with some left over pizza from the night before as she alternated between shoving some into her own mouth and feeding small bites to his little pug.

His pug who was lounging on her lap like the Emperor of Japan or some crap equally as entitled. Kakashi narrowed his eyes at his dog who didn't even get up to greet him when he walked into the room.

Traitor.

Picking up his sleek black phone from the kitchen counter, Kakashi's eyes lazily swept over Sakura's form as she cooed over how ugly his dog was.

 _Excuse you,_ rude.

But she _did_ look absolutely adorable with her wet hair swept into a high ponytail as the collar of his shirt exposed a bare shoulder. His sweats were laughably big on her, but that was to be expected as he was an entire foot (and then some) taller than her. He pulled his eyes away from the tempting sight to dial his contact's number and lifted it to his ear as it rang.

It rang four times before a grouchy voice heavy with sleep answered quite violently, but Kakashi ignored that in favor of asking (fairly nicely if you asked him), "Hey, would you like to come over to my place at 8 for some high quality eggs?"

He ignored Sakura's high pitched, _"Really?!"_ in favor of listening to his contact's response of,

" _Why the fuck do you and those two little shits get involved in the weirdest shit?! Can't a motherfucker get some goddamn sleep around here without having to clean up after you assholes? I hate this goddamn probation; just because I stabbed the wrong fucker in the carotid artery doesn't mean I deserve this shit. I swear I'm go—"_

"Alright! See you at eight!"

When he hung up the phone, he found Sakura staring at him with a tilted head and a blank expression.

"Are you seriously inviting someone over for breakfast right now," she deadpanned, "After the night we just had? What's wrong with you?"

"Lots of things," he replies casually with a shrug, "But not my nutrition! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Sakura-chan!"

And Sakura placed her head in her hands with a groan, but he could see a smile poking through her fingers and it made his lips quirk in return. However, pain bloomed along his flank and he's reminded, once again, that the night wasn't over. His contact wouldn't be there for another two hours, so there was time to remove the bullet himself and patch it up.

Apparently, Sakura had seen his pained grimace and was already on her feet and clearing the breakfast island away. Her mouth was set in a determined line, and she gestured at him to take a seat on it.

"C'mon," she said gently, "Let me look at that bullet wound. If you have a medical kit, I can probably remove it and stitch it up."

Kakashi nodded reluctantly and disappeared to find his well-stocked medical kit, resigning himself to answer the (most likely) astounding amount of questions she's going to have for the next two hours.

Honestly, it was about time he retired and get himself another dog or five. He was _really_ getting too old for this shit.

.

.

 _tbc_


	6. Omake

**Disclaimer: All standard disclaimers apply.**

 _ **A/N:** I know I haven't updated in a long time, but here's a little filler to hold you over while I write the next chapter! This was originally posted on tumblr, but I've revised it since its posting date. _

.

.

* * *

If there was one thing Tsunade loved about her job, it was the ability to get quality sake at any hour of the day. Like, say, one-fifteen in the morning. It was a habit for her—a disapproved vice—that she couldn't quite let go of since her late twenties. No matter what that cantankerous, old pervert Jiraiya said, sake was her best friend, her lover, her light in the hour of darkness.

As in, even when she was drunk off her ass, Tsunade would still be able to find that smooth porcelain of the sake cup.

She sat in her office, savoring the sweet imported taste of expensive rice wine, with her favorite series playing on the plasma T.V. she had Shizune install when she had first been promoted to Department Head. She sipped from her cup languidly while reaching out for a dango skewer. It was new episode tonight, but she was a little disappointed to see that it was only a filler rather than progressive action towards the plot's development.

Her amber eyes remained riveted to the screen, chuckling here and there when the main character did something especially silly. Tsunade was supremely comfortable reclining in her plush chair with her bare feet crossed on top of the desk. It was her way to unwind after a long day of murder, interrogations, and all things that come with running an underground organization of assassins.

She supposed that she could go home, but there was a large scale operation tonight. One that—if she was correct—would put an end to an international drug ring that was quickly becoming a splinter in her ass. If the two designated operatives managed to take out the drug lord like they are supposed to, then that splinter would be removed and she could go on her merry way.

The mission coordinator hadn't told her who he had assigned to the mission, but she was hoping it was someone competent enough to get the job done swiftly and quietly. It wouldn't do to have local police sticking their noses in places they don't belong, or launching a large scaled investigation.

If there was one thing Tsunade hated, it was damage control. She _despised_ damage control.

It cost the department money she didn't want to spend, man power she didn't want to waste, and the type of organization that she didn't even _have_.

Yes, botched missions never failed to make her blood boil.

Pulling a piece of dango from the bamboo skewer and popping it into her mouth, Tsunade hummed as the sweet syrup coated her tongue. Her rose lips quirked at something a character said, but her brow arched in curiosity when "BREAKING NEWS" ran across the top of the screen in a bright red band.

On a whim, because Tsunade avoided the news when she wasn't obligated to watch them, she switched to the corresponding channel and her brows arched higher into her hairline at the woman with pristine hair and perfect makeup standing in front of a pompous night club illuminated by strobing police lights.

Chewing slowly and removing her legs from her desk, eyes riveted to the screen, Tsunade grabbed the television remote and turned the volume up.

"Shot fired tonight in Tanzaku," the young news reporter started, "a luxury night club located in downtown Konoha. Witnesses say that the large scale shooting happened after a man clad in only a _towel_ came barreling through night club patrons as two men chased after him."

Tsunade's jaw clenched as the reporter turned to a man wrapped in a blanket and holding a steaming Styrofoam cup, "Sir, you said that you _saw_ what happened? Could you describe for us what it looks like in there?"

"Y-yeah," the brown haired man nodded jerkily, "It's a blood bath in there! Two crazies came in and ran after this _fu—beep_ —guy and then these other guys came outta _nowhere_ and started shooting, and they shot back! What the fu— _beep!"_

"Sir, do you know what these men looked like?"

"No," the man shook his head, "But I think one of them was blonde and the other had black or brown hair, I couldn't tell."

 _"_ _Shizune!"_ Tsunade hurriedly shouted into the intercom on her desk as she lurched to her feet, her blazing amber eyes pasted to the screen as the reporter continued to speak.

"Sources say that there are _dozens_ of victims inside, and that the club is absolutely _destroyed_. Police are actively investigating the horrific sight and ask that you travel in groups tonight. Please stay safe, and stay tuned for more information. Back to you—"

"Hai, Tsunade-sama?" Shizune poked her frazzled head into the office, her eyes widening at the images displaying across the News channel.

Oh, hell.

 _"_ _Just_ _ **where**_ _are Uzumaki and Uchiha?!"_

* * *

 **Two Cents:** This was written long before the tragic shooting in Orlando, so I apologize if this triggers some of you.


End file.
